[quote]ORIGINAL: KoshaK

I wont say what I think about when I'm at my low points, but I'll just say...I hear you man, your not the only one..

 

^ I think about it almost everyday but I just tell myself things will get better, its all I can do really. I know I would never do it so I guess it isn't a big problem but it gets to me some times. It's really good to know I'm not the only one like this too. I really only have three hobbies that keep me sane lately I watch scrubs online and that helps daily but with my car it makes me happy for a day everyonce and awhile when I get new parts but the happiness fades quick then sometimes I play xbox from time to time and that helps too. Everyone just needs some sort of excape wheather it is drugs or a hobby it is understandable. I have tried drinking but I have seen what can come from doing it too much so I never have gotten more than 2 sips down without having to put it down because I don't want to go down that road.

 

I have never been diagnosed with anything, but... if I did ever go to a therapist, I'm pretty sure I would be diagnosed. I think therapists are sorta a waste of time and money. They're expensive, and if you talk to them, all you do is spend more money if they tell you something's wrong with yourself. No one in my family has EVER gone to a therapist. It's really uncommon to go to a therapist in Saskatoon. I don't know anyone who has ever gone to a therapist. None of my friends, family and no one I have talked to has. It's wierd that most of you on here are from the states, and have been diagnosed with depression.

On another note, I don't have any sort of... "cleaning" issues like was said before in this thread. I'm organised, but I'm lazy. I get around to cleaning about once a week, and i nthat time my part of the house can get sooo messy... My girlfriend bugs me about it but I tell her it's my house, my rules. lol

I love numbers too. Numbers are fun. Sometimes during the day while driving around, and I see a street sign "36th street" for example, I'll start thinking about the number 32, and which numbers multiply into, 2x2x3x3.. lol. And don't get me started on phone numbers... [8D]This happens every day, sometimes I think I'm crazy. I can somehow manage to find a pattern in any phone number...

 

As most of you that I'm in the military. Unlike most people in the military not as many of them have deployed more than 2 times. Well Im about to go back for my 4th tour. I will be for about 15 months i believe. Well I know that i have a stress disordered call PTSD (Post Trumatic Stress Disorder.) I dont want to see a doctor about it cause it only comes and goes. So whats the point of seeing a doctor that really knows a damm thing about PTSD. I know most of the people in my last unit when they start bitching for no apperant reason I just wanted to tell them to F*** off. Some of the people in that unit made me so mad just by me looking at them. Well i guess i can say im in rehab now seeing as im in a new unit and in a new country i just dont want to see them again. Because I do not know what I will do if I see them in my off time when I go back to the states.

 

I'm also glad that my ex left me (he cheated on me and left me for that chick), I did find an amazing guy that I'm with now (2 years and still going strong). I had known him as an aquaintance for years (even while I was with my ex) but after my ex and I were done, Russ and I ran into each other and started talking again (I hadn't seen him for a while) and eventually started dating. He completely understands my whole depression/self mutilation deal that I went through as well. And unlike my ex, if I ever fell back into that, Russ would actually try to stop me and help me.

I also have a punching bag that I've had to use to get my aggression out. 2 years ago I had taken a self defense class and we had done grappling/sparring and numerous other things, and when I was in that class I was able to work out my agression (Either by beating the hell out of the pads or my partner in the class). I was one of the three most agressive women in the class (2 of us were usually paired together or put with one of the three guys in the class). Since then I had realized that punching bags are AMAZING. Anytime now I try to use mine (insted of a wall) when I'm stressed/pissed. I found that it helps so much.

 

Wow, I never thought so many of you had the same problems I do. That makes me feel somewhat better. Mob, I buy stuff for my car too when im in a mood, or bored. Im saving up for a supercharger andI keep buying H-braces, rear end bars, B-pillar bars, new shift boots, etc. I know I shouldnt buy them because it will probly set me back $320, but im bored and it makes me feel alittle better. And when the parts come to my door then I feel happy, so I try and have happiness come around more than once a month, which makes it seem like. I also eat when Im bored or anything, for awhile though ive been watching myself and looking at Trans fats to see if there is any, if there is I wont eat it. No im not a fatty, im built and have a 6 pack that I could take a picture of if you didnt believe me lol. I have a fast metabolism (thank you God) so I dont really get fat for that matter. I also have a motivation problem so my therapist says...[&:]

 

I most definitely have a motivation problem, procrastination is like masturbation... when it comes down to it, you're just ****ing yourself... I'm constantly saying "i need to do_____" but then i don't, like last summer i said "i need to get in shape" did i? hell no.

And Koshak, i picked up some melatonin today, i read the bottle an what it described for what it helps is exactly what i have, i can sleep, but getting to sleep is my problem, the other day it took me three hours to fall asleep. it drives me nuts when that happens

 

I've gone through some screwed up times in my life and was on suicide watch for a while, until i realized one thing. I used to visualize my mom, my few friends and my brother at my funeral or having one of them find me dead and the thought of that kept me from doing it. as much as i thought my life sucked it was never really all that bad and there wasfew people that cared about me. I still suffer from depression, mild OCD, ADHD, social anxiety disorder, seasonal affectiveness disorder (2 SAD's hehehe, i'm too sad lol).

Ritalin actually helped alot with the ADHD, as much as i hated the thought of depending on it. i started taking it when i was 19 and for the last 3 years it has made a dramatic increase in my concentration and outlook. I no longer feel like a bumbling F*** up who can't articulate himself when he needs too. I refuse to take drugs for the rest of my condition because i spent most of my life all drugged up (perscription or otherwise) and just want to work on one at a time. Plus the thought of deminished sex drive would not be cool (GF would hate that)

My Mom used to always say i was built out of spare parts, funny how she would use a car metaphor to describe me as if she knew from childhood that it was one of the few ways to get anything to stick to memory. I just wish all of you the best of luck, work at one thing at a time and don't feel like it's a terrible thing to be like this because everyone has to have some quirks. just ask yourself what qualities of your personality will be left if you fix all of the problems. The only one i want to fix (right now) is my social anxiety disorder, it drives me mental. I can't stand being around groups of people, even if they are all my good friends, i get nervous and can't get comfortable. i usually end up going home and doing nothing. i think thats why i usually only have one real good friend at a time or i usually only hang with one to three people at a time. i feel comfortable at that limit. but i would like to work on it cuz it prevents me and my girlfriend from meeting new people. i hold her back all the time cuz i would rather stay home than go around groups of people. but i'm getting better at it everyday, so i hope i can overcome it. just as i wish everyone here can too.

 

Koot's i'm the same way, i would much rather be in small groups then in big groups, when there are two or three i act myself, but once we get in large groups i barely communicate, i am quite, don't socialize, and like you end up going home and doing nothing, i'm pretty sure it was one of the reasons my ex and i ended up spliting up, she would want to hang out with her friends and want me to come, but there would be about 10 people or more most of the time, and i wouldn't be comfortable, i knew most of them, but i just wasn't comfortable, so i would go home, or not go out at all.

And when it comes to going to places with large groups of people. like bars.. don't even bother really, i would much rather stay home, or go to a friends house then go to a bar, i will on occasion go play pool with a few people, but that is twp maybe three times a year... i'm just more comfortable in small groups of people i know

 

Wow I know I cant really sleep either takes me forever unless im drinking of course then im out for the night. But it takes me a while to fall asleep to.