Car Jokes
#43
01-30-2007, 04:41 PM
RE: Car Jokes
Top 10 Indications the Rumors of the Ford-Honda Merger May be True
[font=verdana]
10
All "H" emblems to be replaced with Calvin peeing on a Chevy symbol.
9
All body gaps changed to +/- one inch.
8
Ford to do away with stringent "no parts falling off" policy.
2829
New Civic hatchback to be offered in LX, EX, Si and Boss 302 models.
6
Next-generation Accord to incorporate mutant fish-like styling.
5
Quality is now Job One. (Jobs Two and Three are drinking coffee and following the Detroit Red Wings.)
4
New Ford idea: "Less welds, more glue."
3
New note to be added to all drawings: "Suckiness of this part to be left to supplier's discretion."
2
Jeff Gordon's face printed on company bathroom tissue.
1
Two words: "Festiva 2004.
[font=verdana]
10
All "H" emblems to be replaced with Calvin peeing on a Chevy symbol.
9
All body gaps changed to +/- one inch.
8
Ford to do away with stringent "no parts falling off" policy.
2829
New Civic hatchback to be offered in LX, EX, Si and Boss 302 models.
6
Next-generation Accord to incorporate mutant fish-like styling.
5
Quality is now Job One. (Jobs Two and Three are drinking coffee and following the Detroit Red Wings.)
4
New Ford idea: "Less welds, more glue."
3
New note to be added to all drawings: "Suckiness of this part to be left to supplier's discretion."
2
Jeff Gordon's face printed on company bathroom tissue.
1
Two words: "Festiva 2004.
#45
01-30-2007, 04:52 PM
RE: Car Jokes
Oil change instructions.
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil
change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.
------------------------------------------
Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil,
filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to
O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to
gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains
onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992)
in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil
spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil
change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.
------------------------------------------
Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil,
filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to
O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to
gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains
onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992)
in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil
spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car
#47
01-30-2007, 05:08 PM
RE: Car Jokes
ORIGINAL: Ej1Rider
enterprise and hertz here in bristol have a couple of black... and red ones
ORIGINAL: Roto
Hmmm....where can I rent a Solstice?
Hmmm....where can I rent a Solstice?
#49
01-30-2007, 11:24 PM
RE: Car Jokes
ORIGINAL: Roto
WHAT????
ORIGINAL: Ej1Rider
enterprise and hertz here in bristol have a couple of black... and red ones
ORIGINAL: Roto
Hmmm....where can I rent a Solstice?
Hmmm....where can I rent a Solstice?